1/2/11

How do you say…?

It is so hard not to take things or people for granted.  Though we all know that all it takes is a blink of an eye everything changes we don’t really *know* it until it does.  It’s like we think “yes my loved ones could die tomorrow or my husband could lose his job tomorrow” but underneath runs a current of “but really that only happens  to OTHER people.  That’s not going to happen to me.  But it does happen to [me] and to those I love.

The past 14-15 months have been very difficult as our family has been touched by death so much.   What makes it harder for me is the realization that I struggle with keeping in contact with those I love.  It’s extremely difficult for me and I can not explain why to myself let alone anybody else.  I dislike talking on the phone and I feel I have changed so much and I wonder if I even have anything in common with my friends or relatives. I don’t spend the time writing letters or even email but I don’t know why.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss them.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t mourn with them or rejoice with them. It means I struggle with how to express myself and how to tell them I mourn with them or I rejoice with them.   I am grateful for Facebook which gives me the opportunity to work towards being more in contact with my family.

I could use “being busy” as an excuse but I don’t want to make excuses.  I want my family and my friends to know that I love them.  That I care.  That they are important to me.   I struggle with finding the right words or finding the common ground.  When you haven’t seen somebody in years and years what do you say?  I am not the same person I was 20 years ago.   I know that friend, that aunt, that uncle, or cousin is not the same person either.   I treasure the memories of the past but how do I create new memories in the here and now?

As a New Year begins, I want to spend 2011 building up my communication skills.  I want to work towards sending that email or letter that says “I’m thinking of you today.”   I want my loved ones to know that I have prayed for them and thought of them on his/her birthday or anniversary or that I’ve seen something, read something or came across something that made me think of him/her.

 A little over a year ago in November of 2009 a very good friend passed away.   He loved the Lord and I believe he is with the Lord rejoicing in the constant love of the Savior but I miss him.  Oh I have no doubt that his family aches for him and that he has friends who were nearer and  dearer to his heart that miss him in ways I can’t imagine but I still find the world a little emptier because he isn’t here anymore.

That death was only the first of several.  My husband’s cousin, two forum friends,  my childhood best friend and most recently my beloved uncle.  He was the uncle that I loved and adored as a child.  He was my favorite uncle.  It grieves me to think that he might not even have known he was my favorite. I certainly wasn’t an active part of his life these last few years.

This will not be easy for me.  I’d prefer to just bury my head in the sand and bemoan the passing of time.   I’d rather not be stretched and I’d rather not grow.  Growing is painful.  But I’d also rather not stand before God and have to answer “why didn’t you just say I love you, I miss you or I’m thinking of you?”

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